Knowing and being known in the digital age

I sat with a newly-met pastor recently. I sensed a kind of trustworthiness in him and a shepherd's heart so I opened up a little more than I might to most folks I've only known for a little while. At one point we talked about being vulnerable and he commented that sometimes as a preacher his congregation would be amazed at how vulnerable he could be in his sermons, but that even vulnerability can be something we carefully calculate. He said even he knows how to be 'vulnerable' without really putting himself at risk.

I have close friends who know a lot about me. They see me and love me still. There's always a deep desire to be known - to really be vulnerable and true. It's hard enough to be honest with ourselves, isn't it? In many ways, I don't even want to know who I really am! I'd gross myself out!

It's no wonder that our society feels very lonely. It's no wonder we feel unknown. We have a hard time being honest with ourselves and in a digital age what others know of me is exactly what I choose for them to know. I'm all for keeping in touch and sharing a kind of connection over the internet, but the truth is it's a very calculated knowing, isn't it? There are no short-cuts to intimacy.

I'm deeply grateful for the ones in my life who know me and challenge me to be honest with myself and with God. I'm thankful for a God who doesn't baby me - even his grace on the cross is a call to come clean about the reality of my need for him. My need for Jesus is all I have to offer him. (Brennan Manning says children get into the kingdom not because they are innocent, but because they are in touch with their incompetence!) All my heroism and good ideas are really just shame morphing into a kind of pride (most of my coping mechanisms are efforts to achieve atonement for myself).

My love and my life is nothing to write home about. So much failure. But Jesus' eyes are open wide. His mercies are open wide - thank God because his mercy is all I've got. It is enough.